Sunday, June 22, 2008

Top Chef and The Next Food Network Star

Sorry about my general lack of attention to this blog. I've become so absurdly lazy that I can't open my laptop while watching television and jot down my rants. No, I'm just going to lay there and probably fall asleep. This is the last time I'm going to get to be a student on a student schedule-- I intend to enjoy it.

Anyway, this last season of Top Chef was addictive like crack. I've never done crack, but I've seen crack addicts on Cops enough to know that they get really mad when they don't get their crack which is almost as mad as I get when I don't get my Top Chef.

I absolutely love Top Chef. I think the Chefs are genuine, sincere, talented artists. I also think that cuisine is a pure art in the way that film or literature can never be. I mean, if Jonathan Safran Foer cooked the way he writes (imagine incredibly saccharine, substance less, slimy garbage) he'd be called out and humiliated among his peers. As it is, he's "experimental" and "visionary." I miss the good ole' days of literature-- the good ole' days of old, angry, modernists and Norman Fruman.

Sorry, that's the most esoteric rant I'll ever go on.

So, of course Stephanie won the contest and fan favorite. The ending was as obvious as an M. Night Shamalan movie. I didn't know what I was going to do once it ended because I was clinging to it like my only friend in the scary world of television. Today I turned on the tv and there was "The Next Food Network Star" beaming to me straight from God's heart.

This show is not Top Chef. I honestly think that I could compete on this show. One girl got grossed out while handling a fish. Seriously? That's like a doctor screaming "ew, ew, ew" while giving you a shot (Dr. Spaceman, 30 Rock). (Yeah, MLA format bitches.) Then she didn't know how to fillet a fish. This is absurd. I have read in a cookbook how to fillet a fish, and although I've never done it, I can tell you that what she did was wrong. I can't imagine someone on Top Chef not knowing how to fillet a fish. Tom Colicchio would burn them to death with his laser eyes within the first episode.

The Next Food Network Star might undermine the way people view The Food Network... but I'll watch it because I'm a recovering Top Chef addict.